Kids, Holidays and Meltdowns: Tips for Handling a Dysregulated Nervous System
The holidays are approaching us! We are all entering a season of transition, dysregulated schedules, time with friends and family, late nights and more interaction than we are probably used to.
I get more calls this time of year from parents then almost any other time of year because their child is “acting out”. I personally don’t like that terminology because it completely disregards the “why” or feelings underneath the behavior and only focuses on how our children are behaving in a way that is intolerable to us or society, not the connection that our children so desperately need.
Instead, I like to take a more integrated and connective approach and remind parents that this time of year is full of change and dysregualtion and that their child is responding to that.
Oftentimes when we dig further, we find that the entire family system has become dysregulated during the holiday season. Families travel, stress about the holidays, over commit themselves to sports, attend too many activities and parties, spend time with people they may or may not like, load up on sugar and alcohol, stay out way too late and then wonder why our kids are having a hard time.
Long story short, your child is not broken. However, some of the systems that have been in place for a while may not be working for you, your child or your family any longer and this behavior might be the invitation to examine what is working and not working for your particular family unit in this season of life. This is something to keep a pulse on and course correct if necessary.
As we enter a season of cooler weather and the holidays, I encourage every family to use this season to align their daily lives with their goals and values. This might mean saying “no” to certain invitations, leaving a party early so you and your family can get adequate sleep, choosing to spend time with only the people that are nourishing to you, etc. I encourage you to give yourself permission to operate in a way that works for you and your family unit.
In the meantime, here are a few tips to help you be with your child during the inevitable meltdown that all children experience:
Don’t make it about you. Kids have feelings and you may have feelings about your kids having feelings but the meltdown is not about the parent.
Learn to regulate your nervous system. Stay quiet and calm and present during your child’s meltdown. When things start to settle, remind your child that you are there with them.
Resist the urge to fix, ask questions, provide logic or say “I told you so” in anyway. This will shut your child down even more. When a child is in a dysregulated state, they are unable to take in new information; that includes a lecture from a parent.
Avoid making meaning where there isn’t any. You are not a bad parent because your child is having a meltdown. Your kid is not a bad kid because they are having a meltdown. They are just a good kid having a hard time.
Remember to always connect before we correct. As parents, tantrums can oftentimes bring up intolerable feelings for us. This is not an invitation to invalidate your child by saying things like, “Well there is no reason to feel that way” or “stop crying!”. Phrases like this make the meltdown about the parent, not the child. As parents, it is our job to regulate ourselves and then in turn be there for our children to model regulation.
Thanks for being here!
