Suicide, Prevention & Thoughts of A Therapist Who Sits Closely To Those Who Suffer
September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month
Suicide is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I lost my best friend many years ago to suicide.
For many years after that I wondered… How could I have failed her so badly? How could we not get her the help she needed before she spiraled into the depths of despair? Why weren’t the safeguards we had in place enough? So many questions…
The guilt, the shame, the gut-wrenching grief… how could this have been avoided? These thoughts spiraled in my head for many years. I know I am not alone in these feelings. In fact, survivors’ guilt is a real thing that can really knock a person into their own spiral of excruciating pain. If you have lost a loved one to suicide, know that you are not alone, and it is not your fault.
Fast forward ten years and here I am: a psychotherapist, who specializes in grief and trauma. I spent years working in recovery and emergency psychiatric settings, working directly with people who suffered from severe suicidal ideation, many of whom had attempted suicide multiple times. I learned a lot from these experiences and my experiences as a psychotherapist since my days in the psychiatric emergency room. A common sentiment that was shared among many of the survivors I worked with was, “life got too big and I felt alone”.
As humans, we can all relate on some level to the gut-wrenching feeling of what it is like to be overwhelmed and alone. However, for many of these survivors, every system had failed them and many of them had suffered for many years.
Since losing my friend and my experiences working so closely to suicide, I have made it a goal to normalize talking about suicide and prioritize suicide prevention in my clinic.
For far too long we have stigmatized mental health, suicidal ideations and asking for help. We have stigmatized and penalized people for saying “no” to things that no longer serve them and for taking mental health days.
The harder pill to swallow is that we have all participated in some way in creating a culture that is no longer in alignment with being a healthy human. In general, so many humans are stuck in a perpetual state of flight, flight, freeze, fawn. People are disconnected from one another, addicted to devices, over scheduled, eat foods with very little or no nutritional value and focus on shame and division instead of holding space and prioritizing connection.
In other words, “life has become too big” for most people and we have done very little to change that. We also have done very little to support children, hold space for them, nurture them and come alongside them to help them increase their social emotional learning and connection.
I am not one to place blame on one entity or system because that never creates change. In fact, that just creates more division. I recognize that for the barriers to adequate mental health care to be reduced, it would take an entire generation to change the way we do things and the way we approach life, priorities, trauma and stressors. It would take systems prioritizing mental health and social emotional connection and regulation.
The tough part is that it must start with us. We must prioritize our own healing so that we have space to come along side others and hold space in their suffering. It means living in our purpose instead of walking around on autopilot. It starts with systems creating environments where people actually have the chance to thrive instead of just barely survive. It starts in schools by making mental health and social connection more important than popularity, grades or accolades. It starts with communities prioritizing caring for one another, creating space for connection, and honoring unique differences.
The amount of hate, shame and division in our country is evident and only perpetuates feelings of loneliness, isolation and pain.
In honor of my dear friend, all of the loved ones who have passed too soon and those who are still earth side and are suffering, here are a few tips to help you navigate supporting someone who has suicidal thoughts:
1. Focus on letting your loved one know you are there for them and how you can be there for them.
2. Remind your loved one that they are not alone, and that there is help.
3. Ask open ended questions such as: How are you feeling? What kind of support you need right now?
4. Take your loved one seriously. People who talk about suicide do sometimes act on their ideations. It is a common misconception that people do not act on suicidal ideation. It is best to believe anyone who is sharing with you that they are feeling suicidal.
5. Actively listen, without judgement. Be compassionate and empathetic.
6. Offer to connect them to people who can help.
Avoid These Unhelpful and Damaging Statements:
Toxic Positivity: Avoid phrases like “Just be happy. I don’t understand what you have to be so sad about. Your life is so good”
Minimizing Their Feelings: Avoid saying things like, “Everything will be OK, I promise.”
Advice: Avoid suggesting big life changes “Just quit your job, you will feel better”
Blocking Their Feelings Because They May Be Intolerable To You: “You just need to snap out of this.”
Comparison: Avoid saying things like, “So many people out there are worse off than you.”
Things to Remember:
· If someone is in crisis, contact your local crisis line for help immediately
· People have suicidal thoughts/ ideations for a variety of different reasons
· If you are concerned about someone’s wellbeing, speak to them. Be direct and ask them how they are feeling and what they need
· Talking about suicide does NOT make someone attempt suicide
· Active listening, without judgment can go a long way in connecting with someone who is suffering
· You can offer to help a person suffering find appropriate support and help
· Supporting someone with suicidal thoughts can be challenging and triggering in some cases. Set boundaries and practice self-care
· We heal in community, we suffer in isolation
Help Lines:
Dial 988 anywhere in the US to be connected to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
Crisis Intervention of Houston
Adults Dial 832.426.1177
Teens Dial 832.416.1199 or Text 281.201.4430
Other Resources:
National Alliance for Mental Health (NAMI)
Mental Health & Substance Use Resources in Texas
https://www.hhs.texas.gov/services/mental-health-substance-use/mental-health-substance-use-resources
In Wellness,
Dr. E
