What Are Boundaries? Why Do We Need Them?
Written by Elizabeth Miller, Ph.D., LPC-S, LMFT
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits or guidelines that a person sets in their relationships to protect their emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Boundaries are limits that we are able to clearly define and communicate with those around us. Boundaries help us clearly define and communicate what is acceptable behavior from others and what isn’t, which can help an maintain personal integrity, safety, and respect.
Types of Boundaries
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries involve your personal space, privacy, and body and dictate how much physical contact a person is comfortable with. Physical boundaries can include things like your comfort level with hugs, touch, or even the distance people stand from you.
An example of a physical boundary could sound something like, “ When I am eating, I do not like to be touched. Please do not touch me while I am eating”.
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries can help protect your feelings and thoughts and are designed to increase emotional well-being. Emotional Boundaries can help prevent others from attempting to control or manipulate. Emotional boundaries can help us take ownership and maintain responsibility for our own emotions while allowing others to take responsibility for theirs.
An example of an emotional boundary might sound something like, “ I am here for you and want to support you. I won’t have this conversation if you are yelling. I am here for you when we can talk calmly.”
Mental Boundaries
Mental boundaries involve thoughts, values, and opinions. Every person has their own set of thoughts, values and opinions based off of their own lived experiences. Of course, no two people grow up with the same lived experiences, so it makes sense that people will have differing values and options about things.
Healthy mental boundaries allow us to have our own beliefs and opinions without being overly influenced or invalidated by others.
As we enter another election season, we oftentimes struggle to hold mental boundaries because heavily charged topics tend to come into play. Without mental boundaries, we often forget that it is healthy for people to have differing viewpoints.
An example of a healthy mental boundary might sound something like, “ I hear what you are saying and I do not agree and that is ok”.
Time Boundaries
Time boundaries help us manage our time more effectively and ensure that others understand how we desire to spend our time. In an era where most people seem to be over scheduled, it can be difficult to set time boundaries.
A time boundary might sound something like, “ I would love to join you but I am going to have to take a rain check”.
Financial & Material Boundaries
Financial and material boundaries relate to possessions, money, and personal items. Financial and material boundaries can help us protect our resources and clarify how we are going to spend our money and when others can use or borrow our things.
A financial boundary might sound like, “ We would love to join you on the family trip but we are not going to spend the money on that right now”.
A material boundary could sound like, “I know you want to borrow my clothes but I am uncomfortable with that”.
Body/Sexual Boundaries
Body and sexual boundaries allow us to clearly communicate and define our comfort levels with sexual touch and activity. Body and Sexual boundaries help us cultivate mutual respect and consent in intimate relationships. It is important to note that body boundaries do not have to include sex. Body boundaries can include saying “no” to a hug or any unwanted touch.
Why are Boundaries Important?
Setting healthy boundaries gives those around us a clear guidebook on how we want to interact and be treated. By implementing boundaries, we are creating space to feel respected, safe, and valued, while also promoting more authentic and respectful interactions with others. Without boundaries, it is easy to feel overwhelmed, taken advantage of, or misunderstood.
In my clinical practice I often see people who are completely burned out and their mind and body have started to show symptoms of poor mental and physical health. A common theme I see with individuals who are exhausted is that they are lacking boundaries.
Don’t get me wrong, setting boundaries can be HARD. People tend to react and push back when we set a boundary, making it even more challenging. However, when we are able to identify our values and set boundaries that align with our own value systems, we open up space to live more freely and authentically.
If you are someone who struggles with exhaustion, burnout or feels like people are constantly taking advantage of you, it may be time to identify your values and create boundaries around the things you find most important. I promise, it will be worth it!
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Miller
